"Till death do us apart." I said those words at the age of 29 years old. I thought I knew what I was doing. That the world should be so happy for me that I'd found someone who said he'd put up with my nonsense forever.
We live in a complicated world, so as Marriage.
When I was getting married I was so stressed about balancing my new family, new responsibilities, and brand-new life, I was one seating chart switch away from eloping.
There were tears, nerves, and mini meltdowns along the way, but I found something beautiful about my relationship that can't be replaced - although I wish someone had explained some things to me beforehand.
A few pointers I wish I had known before I got married:
1.You’re not just marrying him, you’re marrying a family
As a married couple, I was absolutely heartbroken to leave my family. Throughout my entire life, I have never lived away from my family, even if they are just west of Singapore to the east of Singapore. After I got married, I wasn't spending the festive season with my family. Instead, I spent them with my new extended family.
Family balance can be one of the most challenging transitions in marriage, frequently creating defensiveness and disagreements between partners.
To begin with, always be fair - if you're spending CNY reunion dinner with your parents this year, you should spend it with your partner's parents next year. It's imperative that you never let family disagreements affect your relationship - you cannot control how family members react to you.
Secondly, it is critical to keep in touch with your in-law family even if your partner tells you to stop. There is no better way to clear up a misunderstanding by yourself in an adult way than by having your partner explain for you. Besides not being accurate, being uninvolved in the conversation may escalate the situation.
2.Don't take advice from other couples/people
The same set of rules and advice does not apply to every couple. Certainly, you can find inspiration in your parents or another couple you admire, but you won't succeed if you do the same thing as them. My family and friends all told me to divorce because they saw red flags in my marriage that I ignored. My guilt would come from the fact that we did not even try to make the relationship work in the first place. Now, at least I know I have tried my very best.
I trusted my gut and got married. The fact that something works for your friends and their husbands does not mean it will work for you and your partner. Deep down I knew what was most appropriate for me and my marriage at that point. I love this man and I thought he will feel and stay the same.
3.Marriage can change your and your partner's Personality
Some of the changes are good, but, sadly, most of them are not.
The logic here is that as women take on their new role as wives, they would want to ease into the comfort and stability of marriage. Of course, this often changes later on, especially once you get to the age when men are most likely to cheat.
Husbands typically work harder and feel more responsible when they take on a new role. Before you know it, you're that couple who are constantly arguing, each trying to outdo the other. Getting through this stage is difficult, but here's the good news: you come into a mature love that is even deeper than you started with.
4. Fights are actually okay but your partner needs to agrees with it
Like any relationship in your life, you won't always get along perfectly, and that's okay. Quarreling from time to time actually helps you understand each other better. According to some online research, couples who fight regularly tend to avoid big blowups and are happier in the long run.
Arguments for me are about what is most appropriate for whom, not what is right or wrong. If you don't like name-calling or your partner always blames you for things... you need to let them know that it may not be acceptable to you. Bring up what's important over the cause of the problem. Not who is right and who is wrong.
Whenever I talk about communication, I don't mean one-way. Additionally, you should check if your partner has already heard what you have said and whether the conversation continues as a result of their answers.
A non-effective communication example is when one of you leaves or shuts down before the conflict has been resolved. The right way occurs when each partner takes a turn explaining their side and feels that the other is intently listening. The right things are always worth fighting for, and that’s particularly true when it comes to marriage.
5. Marriage should work in unison, but if one of you isn't it may not work out.
The whole process of marriage is about joining forces and becoming "one". Marriage is a fusion as much as it is a union; the moment you exchange your vows, you will never be the same again as a single person.
As well as taking your partner as your partner for life, it may also require a few sacrifices to stick together and spend time together.
The key to cruising through adversity and good times is to work together as a team. Teamwork means being together not just physically but mentally and emotionally. It involves sharing, giving, forgiving, and tolerating your partner.
Romance may sometimes fade, and the spark ends. Nonetheless, strong cohesion and partnership will work the trick.
6. Get on the same page about finances before getting married
A successful marriage depends on honest, open dialogue and planning around the financial aspects of an impending union.
Every general person has a set of ethics and goals related to money. Along with major life decisions such as having children and moving into a house, it's important for soon-to-be spouses to understand if a partner's spending is justifiable. Writing down their priorities separately and comparing them, then discussing where they overlap and where compromise is necessary, is a worthwhile exercise.
7. Establish your roles and responsibilities beforehand
Knowing your roles defines the boundaries of functional capacities, allowing for coordination. At the beginning of your lives together, life seemed relatively easy to swallow, and everything seemed very straightforward. Decide who pays what, who contributes to which house roles, and who helps in which area of the relationship. Make it clear, and ensure that both of you are okay with it so it doesn't overwhelm one another.
8. Trust Matters
The foundation of a relationship is trust, the steady rock upon which skyscrapers are built. Without trust, a relationship will not last. Relationships are built on trust. Two people cannot be comfortable with each other without it, and the relationship will be unstable without it.
9. Red flags in relationships
Red flags in relationships are always a warning to be careful, but what common signs should we watch out for? Red flags like constant put-downs can signal a kind of emotional abuse, which is relatively common. The presence of relationship red flags may indicate unhealthy patterns or behaviours between you and your partner. The lust and love that often accompany a new relationship cloud our judgment, so we are unable to recognize red flags.
More well-known red flags may be abusive behaviour and aggression. However, some red flags in relationships are easy to miss. Toxic behaviours like manipulation, gaslighting, and narcissism, can slip under the radar. There are also a few others that I found in my own marriage:
1.Frequent Lying
2.Unwillingness to compromise
3.Tendency to run away from difficult responsibilities and discussions
4.A lack of healthy open communication.
5.Don't show support in the relationship
I've also read about another red flag that could be "they don't have any friends".
If your partner doesn't have any friends of their own, this can be a red flag for many reasons. Creating and maintaining friendships may be difficult or impossible for them. Perhaps they lack social skills, have a difficult personality, or view other people negatively. A partner with no friends may also be clingy or demand too much of your attention. Resentment may result if they do not understand your need to spend time with your friends.
Relationship red flags should be handled early, honestly, and fairly. Discuss your concerns and feelings with your partner, and allow them to do the same. Communication is key, so try to keep your emotions in check and keep your needs in mind.
10. Self-love is Important
The importance of self-love lies in the fact that it motivates many of our positive behaviours while reducing harmful ones. In addition to empowering us to take risks, it also enables us to say no to things that don't work for us. Compassion for oneself is a key component of self-compassion. We can strive for marriage success and take care of ourselves when we love ourselves.
In spite of the fact that your thinking, feelings, and language toward yourself may seem independent of your relationships with others, they are closely interconnected. The idea of nourishing your relationship with yourself may seem counterintuitive, but it can make a considerable difference to your relationship satisfaction.
When you love yourself, you'll recognize earlier how someone treats you wrong.
Yellow flags are also warning signs of potential problems to come. However, they may not be as noticeable or as insidious as red flags. With the right communication, yellow flags don't have to turn into red flags. Yellow flags, however, should be taken seriously, as they can lead to future relationship issues.
A few examples of relationship yellow flags include:
Taking criticism poorly
Talking to their ex
A lack of long-term relationship commitment
11. "Like mother, like daughter" and "like father, like son" are not myths.
Seems genetics are working out pretty well for the lucky kids whose parents are renowned for gracing screens large and small or landing on the cover of Vogue magazine. But what about the rest of us? Genes can be blamed for some but not all of our inherited characteristics, surely. Who we become is greatly influenced by our parents. You will see some traits of your partner’s parents in them.
Many of us wrestle with the messy push and pull of navigating our parents’ traits within ourselves. Sometimes embracing the positives and denying the negatives. These traits are not always explicit and can come from subtle points of view we pick up. Often, positive traits resonate with us, and they guide us. These negative traits, as well as our ability to reproduce and resist them, can deform us. They can push us away from our personal and relationship goals and towards more authentic expressions of who we are and what kind of relationship we want to create.
12. The person you love the most is also the person who can hurt you the deepest.
That’s the risk and pain of marriage. And the beauty of marriage is working through your hurt and pain and resolving your conflicts and solving problems.
♥ Thanks for reading as always!
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