From Frustration to Acceptance: Learning to live with a Control Freak

Not until I shared my experiences with my friends, did I realize that living with a control freak was the norm for me, and it had a profound impact on who I am today. I never labeled it as a Control Freak thing before, but it's clear that the constant need for control has shaped my worldview. My intention is not to point fingers or play the blame game, but rather to acknowledge the situation and work towards improving it. By sharing my perspectives, I hope to help others who are in similar situations and shed light on the challenges of living with a control freak.

Before dealing with any Control Freak, you probably need to understand what causes them to be a Control Freak, so here are some insights into the mind of the "control freak": 

It’s not about control, it’s about anxiety.

Controlling individuals may desire power or demand the world to bend to their will, but anxiety is the root cause for many. Control isn't the issue, but the solution is problematic. Many controlling individuals grew up in turbulent environments, where their parents were anxious or abusive. Walking on eggshells and always looking over their shoulders, they lived in constant fear. In order to cope with their turbulent surroundings, they developed a hypervigilant attitude—always anticipating problems and keeping a sharp eye out for danger.

It reduces their anxiety and makes their environment emotionally safer when they have control over things, know what will happen, know what others will do, and master the routines and rules. Things don't sneak up on you quite so easily when you're on top of things.

(1) Controlling people usually don’t see themselves as controlling.

It is more commonly thought of as "common sense," "being responsible," or simply "planning ahead," "setting priorities," "being helpful" (especially when giving advice), or "doing what's expected." A source of frustration for them is when what they find obvious and/or important is not apparent to others.

(2) They're self-critical.

It is often the same abuse they hurl at themselves that they can hurl at you. Due to their desire to stay on top of things, they make a lot of mistakes, which they then blame themselves for.

(3) They have trouble transitioning.

For those in control, Saturday's itinerary is often set in stone before the day arrives. They thrive on planning ahead and detest unexpected surprises. However, once the plan is in motion, it becomes challenging for them to deviate from the plan.

(4) Under stress, all this gets worse.

Adding stress increases anxiety for most people; adding stress increases rigidity, frustration, and micromanagement for those in control.

Now that you understand, you realize it's all about their anxiety. It can help you feel less victimized and less like you're being scolded or treated like a 7-year-old if you repeatedly tell yourself that their anxiety is the problem.

Are you living with a controlling person? What should you do?

If this person is important to you, there are a handful of actions you can take.

Control freaks typically lack self-awareness and are unwilling to acknowledge their controlling tendencies. Confronting them about their behaviour may only lead them to perceive you as ungrateful or hostile, potentially causing an explosive conflict zone.

In the event that a control freak becomes self-aware and expresses a desire to change, seeking professional help from a psychiatrist or counsellor can be a valuable step in the right direction for them. Assist them as much as you can, give them some warmth and care. 

When someone exhibits control freak traits, it can be difficult to change their behaviour. By being patient and persistent, you can help them recognize their behaviour and change it.

Listed below are some tactics to prevent conflicts from escalating while coexisting with a control freak:

1. Communicate clearly

   It is important to express your concerns and feelings "extra" calmly and respectfully. Try explaining to them why their behaviour bothers you and how it affects you.

2. Set boundaries

   Establishing your own boundaries and communicating them clearly is essential. You should let them know what you are and are not comfortable with, and be prepared to enforce your boundaries if necessary.

   While bringing up the issue may result in additional criticism, it's essential to establish and assert your own boundaries, particularly when dealing with extreme control freaks. Doing so will help demonstrate that you are an individual who requires autonomy and respect.

3. Encourage self-reflection

   Encourage them to take the time to reflect on their behavior and how it might be impacting their relationships and those around them. Engaging in relaxing activities together may calm them down.

4. Be patient

   Change takes time, and it's important to be patient and supportive. Celebrate small steps and progress, and offer encouragement and positive reinforcement along the way.

5. Try not to say "NO"

   In order to avoid exacerbating the situation, acknowledge their requests and refrain from outright rejecting them. Don't convey the message that you don't want to help them if declining is necessary. Instead, explain why it's not feasible.

6. Prioritize Self-love, Avoid Exposure

   Prioritize self-love and protect your peace by concealing your presence when necessary. Control freaks may target you once they detect your existence, so retreating temporarily if being absent can prevent further conflict. Nevertheless, since everyone has a different threshold, even if you can minimize clashes with a control freak, it can be unbearable to coexist with them around the clock.

In the end, we can't alter their personality, especially if controlling traits have been ingrained throughout their existence. The choice to amend their conduct lies solely with the individual concerned. Although you can provide assistance and motivation, they must acknowledge and rectify their controlling behaviour themselves.

That being said, circumstances, life stages, and experiences shape our identities. Interacting with individuals like this may cause us to adopt similar behaviors. Therefore, maintaining a high level of self-awareness and rationality is crucial to preserve our sanity and prevent external factors from affecting us.

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